The Dangers of Kite Festivals

You might get the impression from this website that kite festivals are all beer & skittles. You'd be wrong - there's no skittles. However, there's more to it than drinking yourself stupid and then pranging your kite into a passing normal person. Read on to find out about hazards beyond your wildest imagination. Forewarned is forearmed, so when the fat bloke from Team ELF starts spouting his crap, you'll know which nut-house to phone.

Hazard Class #1 - arboreal zoological hazards
	Tree Cows Tree cows at first glance are indistinguishable from normal cows. However, unlike normal cows, tree cows climb trees. They use their hooves to grasp the branches and then lie in the overhanging foliage waiting for people to pass by below. When some poor unsuspecting person comes underneath they drop out *BANG ON YOUR HEAD* and you are dead like ice cubes and they suck your blood up. Rumours that there is a variety of these, known as "beach cows" that lie under the shingle on the beach waiting for unsuspecting passers by are wrong. That's just stupid !
Invisible Monkeys Invisible monkeys are noisy bleeders, but should you see one, don't look at it. Should one feel it is being observed it gets the right arse and approaches the spectators with the cry of "Oooo you lookin at?!?" and then punches the spectator's lights out. Which hurts. So don't look at them. Apparently Invisible Monkeys like beer from the badger brewery, which explains where it all vanishes to.
	Banzai Koalas Banzai Koalas are a recent arrival at kite festivals. However do not be fooled by their soppy appearance. One is met with their war cry of "G'day Bruce ya bludger" and then one finds one's didgeredoo rammed forcibly up one's billabong. Which tends to sting a little.

Hazard Class #2 - terrestrial zoological hazards
Foo Foo The Bunny Rabbit Bloody thing - the song gets a bit gutty after the third or fourth time. the kids sang it all the way to Wales & back.
	Dormice Get picked up by Foo Foo and banged on the head. Wish someone would bang Foo Foo on the head. Permanently !
the G-ooooooooooo-d fairy Needs to get a life.
Speckled hens Speckled hens are, like most chickens, quite tasty. But don't guzzle too much !
Ghosts of Pink Charge around after dark, and scare the normal people. They would be more scary if they didn't giggle so much.

Hazard Class #3 - Orpington based hazards
	D I Y You just KNOW he's going to hit someone else's thumb, don't you !
Salad We're all sure salad is very nice, but.......

Hazard Class #4 - Liquid hazards
	Rum Bongo You just KNOW it'll make you sick !
Drinking to excess An estimated value in excess of £100.
	Gooks Apparently lurking under every lily pad ! Very elusive things - no one has ever seen a "gook" at a kite festival. Which is a shame as every game of "Rambo & the Gooks" has fifteen "Rambos" and never a single "gook"

Hazard Class #5 - Mechanical hazards
	Remote Controlled Planes It's a KITE festival ! KITE ! You get all you deserve, Luke Warm !
Pranging The Buggy If you MUST prang the buggies, do it in the daylight ! - the nice bloke from Bristol who we broke hasn't been heard from in over a year.
	Security We're sure the nice man could have got the keys out in thirty seconds, and he was only playing to the audience when he dragged it over three hours.

Hazard Class #6 - Stray Cameras & on-line competitions